Caring

I want to care about you.  I really do.  More than anything I want to shed a tear when you are sad.

I just can’t.

For some reason your emotions aren’t real to me.  You pain is distant and something that doesn’t affect me. It doesn’t stir that part of a normal humans brain that will make them cry that will make them no what to say to make you feel better.  I try I really truly to try to be that caring understanding friend or brother or lover that you need.  No that when I am cold when I turn away from you when you cry it isn’t that I enjoy your pain or that I don’t wish your pain would go away it is just that I don’t know how to react to your sadness.  I don’t know how to react to your pain.

It isn’t just pain that I don’t know how to relate it is also the emotions such as love.  I still don’t really know how anyone can really love me.  How do you love someone who almost seems incapable of relationships with normal people?

Often I feel that I would be better off completely separated from any social interaction.  That it would be better to just take my books and disappear into those words forever.  To give up on trying to exist in the real world.

Maybe it would be better to get rid of all my books to stop reading them.  Perhaps I am not mentally stable enough to have access to that kind of environment.

 

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