I hit a point today where I am just sick of being sad. I am sick of having to put on that stupid happy face. I am tired of laughing at jokes that I don’t think are funny. I hate working to lift other people’s moods when my own mood is in the garbage. Also I am not as good at it anymore.
There was a time when I could easily hide the sadness and loneliness that I felt inside. Even when I was cutter I could easily hide the wounds and scars, both the physical ones on my arms and the emotional ones in my eyes. Now it isn’t as easy. I mean I don’t cut myself anymore and I haven’t done that in almost a decade so hiding those are not the issue. It is the wounds in my eyes the parts of my soul that feel broken that are harder to hide. People have taken to telling me that I don’t look like my normal self.
The confusing part is that I am in a better place in my life than I have been in a very long time. I finally landed a job and I also have lost over 100lbs and am in better shape than I have been in about 20 years yet this sadness and self hate just lingers there.
Also for as much as I hate being sad I bring it on myself. When I start to feel it creeping in instead of doing something to distract me from sadness I do things to make it worse. I listen to songs of pain and loss and watch romantic films that drag me further into my sadness. I don’t know why I do this. Is it just that I have replaced the physical self-harm with emotional? Will I ever be able to break this cycle? I don’t know if that will ever be the case. I can only hope that someday I will be able to smile and have the smile on the outside match the feeling on the inside.