You know when you get into one of the points in your life where you don’t seem to have any control over any aspect of your life? I am in one of those points in my life. I feel like I have lost all control I feel like there is nothing that I can actually put my hands around and hold on too. The job is weird and I feel like maybe I am not doing it very well. I got sick so had to call out of work on Friday. I have only been there three weeks. My eating has gotten out of my control again as well I just seem to eat and eat I feel myself falling back into those habits where I going to put all that weight I have lost back on. It is a terrifying place to be in. I don’t want to go back to that.
So starting today I am getting control of things. I am going back to writing every single thing I eat down. I also ordered a curl bar and some weights to start getting the tone back in my arms. I had started to really get my arms looking good when I was working overnight lifting boxes and what not. I want to get that back. I am hoping that if I get to moving around again and controlling what I eat I will get to the point where I feel comfortable in my own body again without it being 400 lbs.
Tonight I am going to work on mastering painting the nails on my right hand hopefully that will be another thing that will make me feel better. When I look at my left hand (I am right-handed) the hand looks beautiful the paint job is wonderful and my nails make me feel good. Then I look over to my right hand and it looks like a child has done it and I feel sad again.
I just realized that is a perfect description of my life in general. I look at one aspect of it and I feel wonderful and happy and it looks beautiful and then I look at the other side of it and I feel like a child or a lunatic is in charge. Focus Mark you need to focus.