Category Archives: Uncategorized

Where Have I Been?

Where have I been?  That is a very good question. Honestly I am not really sure where I have been. I have hit another one of those brick walls. Those walls where I realize I am 38 years old and have accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. I also used to have dreams and passions and energy to do stuff. I don’t think I have those anymore.

So here is a question I have to the few people who read this.  Do you ever hit an age where you don’t have dreams or ambition. Where you don’t have anything you are passionate about?  That is what I am wondering. Have I reached that point?  Have I reached the age where I just stop being passionate about things  where I stop taking enjoyment from things in life.

I always hit this wall where nothing seems to really make me happy.  This time it came from job change.  Don’t get me wrong I have a much better job that pays a lot more money and better hours but with this new job came the inevitable weight gain that comes with going from a manual labor job to a sedentary computer job.  With that weight gain came depression and feeling like a failure.  I had lost 100 pounds but then after this job change I ended up putting back on 20 of those pounds.  There is nothing that will destroy me as much as seeing all that work go away.

I am trying to do this don’t eat any food after 7pm anymore which I have determined that most of my bad eating comes between 7pm and bedtime. I succeeded in doing that last night though it was very hard.  It seemed like after said time all I was able to think about was that I wanted something to eat.  I did however stay strong and didn’t cave in.  I also went on a half hour-long walk yesterday on my lunch break and I am going to try to do that again today.  I am hoping that these little changes will kick me in the right direction and help me get back to my normal self.  Part of that normal self is hopefully writing on this more often.

M

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Goodbye Facebook!

So today I deactivated my Facebook account.  I finally had enough.  I had enough of every time I wanted to share something instantly my phone with blow up with texts annoying texts.  I will list the three most common texts below and explain each and my feelings towards them.

“Your mania is showing.”

Yes I have bouts of mania but just because I share five stories in a day does not mean I am manic it could just mean that I had some down time on lunch at work and thought some stuff was interesting.

“Your killing my news feed today.”

If you don’t want to see my posts then just block them.  Or how about this don’t spend so much time on your Facebook that you see every post I put up.  If you follow enough people my updates should be buried way down on your feed in like 10 minutes.

“Is Mark OK?” (this one usually goes to my girlfriend)

The other day I posted simply “UGH feeling anxious.” Suddenly this turns into texts to my girlfriend asking her if I was all right.  In fact every time I share anything even remotely personal I it turns into “Why is Mark being so whiney on Facebook.”  It doesn’t even have to be something whiney.

So you know what I have debated deactivating my Facebook for the last couple years.  I really only kept it around for my sister and since I have her on the social media that I actually use I don’t see a reason to keep Facebook around.

The way people react to my statuses are only the latest reason to get rid of it.  With the “Like-Share-React-Before-Researching” world that we live in it seems the best thing for all of us to be done with it.  “Fake” News is a term we hear far to often and no place is this more prevalent than on Facebook.  Anyone can post anything they want and people’s knee jerk reaction is to believe it and share it.  Before long a story about a father getting beaten up to get comics for his sick daughter has spread like wildfire because people don’t bother to realize that the picture is of Hugh Jackman and Dafne Keen on the set of the Logan movie covered in makeup.

Free yourself of this kind of stuff and realize that life is much more than memes and liking and sharing.

Much Love

M

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Who Are You?

As adults and sadly even as high school kids these days we have so much pressure placed on us.  Partly because of the over abundance of “news” on social media and also the fact that because of the internet everyone can make their views known to you as well as try to make you see things their way.

The best thing about the internet is everyone can state their opinion.  The worst thing about the internet is that everyone can state their opinion.  I don’t remember where I first heard that but it is 100% the truth.  The internet and social media also tell you what you are supposed to look like and who you are supposed to be.  What you should have accomplished and what you should accomplish.  I have days where I look at my life and go “Mark this is not at all where you were supposed to be at 37.”  I want to take that other me and grab him by the neck and say “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY LIFE?”  I still don’t know what I want to do with my life and you know what I am ok with that.  I also know that I am not the man who society or even myself expected me to be when I grew up but you know what slowly but surely I am becoming ok with that.

Who am I?

That is a good question and I am still not sure but let’s think about that.  I am Mark.  I am a father of 2 beautiful daughters that are the best things I have ever produced in this world even though the oldest being 13 is at that point in life where she feels she doesn’t need or want her parents around.  I know that I will be here when she needs me.  I have a decent job.  I am still new at it so I am not sure how secure the job is but you know what I can’t waste my time thinking about that.  I finally have a good car for the first time in my life.  I can finally make that trip to go see my dad who I haven’t seen in years because I just didn’t have a reliable vehicle.  I am also probably in the best shape I have been in over a decade.  Emotionally I am getting there.  I am starting to look at myself and go “Hey Mark you are a good dude.”

Who did I think I would be?

It doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t let it matter.  I am who I am and I am where I am.  I am ok with that.

Be ok with who you are and where you are.  Keep moving forward and if there are littles you can change them then change them.  Change them because you want to not because you feel that someone or something else thinks you need to.

Much Love,

M

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Control Of Something Means Everything

So after a few weeks of being controlled by my anxiety yesterday I decided to take control of something.  I controlled what I ate.  It has been a few weeks since I have been able to finish my food diary for the day and not be over the calorie limit (if I even bothered to track it).  Don’t worry I don’t go overboard I actually use myfitnesspal.com to keep track of my food intake and calorie output using that combined with my FitBit are great tools to keep me eating but not eating too much and dieting without dieting to much.  It is a fine line that I need to walk and it is an everyday struggle to not go to extremes in either direction.

Anyway the point of this is that having even that little bit of control over something has completely made the difference in how I woke up this morning.  Under normal circumstances as of late I would wake up in the morning instantly feeling like a failure because I failed to even control the smallest thing in my life that I have control over.  What and how much I eat.  I woke up this morning and I was proud of myself.  I did not bother to get on the scale because I have eaten so poorly for the last few days that I knew the number would not be good and there is no reason to discourage myself so early in the morning.  The last thing I need is to look at the scale and see the number was up and suddenly feel awful about myself again.

I am going to cling to this just this little bit of control in a world that feels out of control.  Thank you to everyone that reads this.  Even just seeing that a couple of people have read this makes me realize that I am not alone in this world.

Love yourselves and each other.

M

smiles.jpg

Look A Picture Of Me Smiling And I Mean It!!!

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I Really Wanted To

I really wanted to start writing in this blog when good things were happening in my life but sadly over the last two weeks I have been in such a funk even the things that use to bring me so much joy have done nothing to lift the mood.  Normally I could find happiness in little things like watching a Twitch stream and getting lost in good conversation with certain gaming communities but lately I have just not felt anything but anxiety. No joy at the little things I use to love.  I turned my computer on and instantly turned it off because I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything.

Even the D&D games that I love meant nothing to me. I felt myself just not being able to get into character. I know this is the nerdiest shit in the world and I should be able to gauge my mood off of things like this but it is true.  I sit here and things have been going pretty well in my life but I can’t help but feel miserable because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In my life it always seems that like just when things are starting to look up everything crashes down around me and my life turns to shit again. It has been the story of my life so I find it hard to believe that it will happen again. I don’t know why I am bothering with this blog right now. My heart isn’t in it.

M

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Coffee Talk

So I am sitting here at my desk enjoying some coffee and figured I would sit here and spill out a stream of consciousness into the eye holes of everyone that reads this.  So last night I was sitting up in my room eating 8 flour tortillas.  I have no idea why I was eating them or why I couldn’t stop eating them.  I was wondering why I had lost control of that simple part of my life and I realized it was because I am weak.  It is never bad to admit that you are weak because we all have weakness.  The strongest thing you can do is to find out your weaknesses and then face them and accept them as fact.  Once you do that you wont be as burdened down by them.  So let me see if I can pinpoint some of my weaknesses.

One I can’t accept they body I was born into.  You are supposed to love the body you are in but it is hard when everything about it repulses you.  The body hair is a constant reminder that I will never be soft.  The beard that everyone else seems to think looks great on me is just an awful thing that covers up my lips (probably one of my best features).  Also my hands are small and delicate I love them but I hate that they stand in contrast with the rest of my body.  I paint my nails regularly to enhance how pretty they can look but all that does is remind me more.

Two I let others walk all over me.  I never make my own decision without making sure it is ok with everyone else.  All my life I have hated conflict that has let to me never standing up for myself.  I never fight for what I want. I always put what I want and need on the back burner to what others want and need.

Three sometimes I want to help people too much.  I am very prone to not paying my own bills to donate money to someone or something else. I once didn’t pay my rent so I could donate $300 to help someone build a new computer for streaming.  I am not smart when it comes to the heart and wanting to help others.

These are probably the top three things that cause me the most problems in my life on a day-to-day basis.  Take a few minutes to think about your own weaknesses if you blog right a blog about them and put the link in the comments.  If you don’t blog feel free to just list them in a comment.   Have a good day loves and smile because smiling uses less muscles than frown…. Corny but true.

 

Much Love

M

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Draft

Another weekend has come and gone and I am not really sure what happened with it.  Friday was a Friday I mean I worked so that was a thing and then I played some games with some friends and then I went to bed nothing special nothing even worth writing about here. I ate to much but that was mostly because I went out for lunch with some co-workers….. Ugh I am going to have to try this later I keep typing a sentence and hating the way it looks and then I just delete the line and rinse repeat and continue……

Deciding to keep publish this anyway so you can see all the jumble pouring out my head space.

M

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