So how many of you get that feeling that you don’t really exist in the world? I have been in that rut for awhile now. I mean I have had a couple of good days where I was happy for the most part but I don’t really feel like I exist. I know that there are several factors that are playing a big role in that lets list them below shall we.
- 1: No car. Now this is a major part of everything and probably the central driving force and the linch pin on which all the other factors stem from. I won’t go into this because I have covered it in several other posts.
- 2: Time. This has to do with the time I have in the day. See I wake up at 6:30am and head to work to be there by 8 if I am borrowing a car or 9 if I am catching a ride. If I am borrowing the car I leave work at 4 I leave and drive the 30 minutes home to pick up my girlfriend so she can go to class. I then drive 45 minutes to take her to class and then drive the 45 minutes home. So by the time I get home it is a little after 6 usually. When I get home I make the little guy some dinner and then at 7 it is time to head upstairs he usually chills and plays on his tablet while I lay on the bed and watch some TV. At 8pm he goes in to bed I then start to get myself stuff ready for the morning. At 9:15 I leave to go pick my girlfriend up from class so another 45 minute drive out and then again back. So finally get home about 10:45 or 11 depending on if I have to stop at the store or for gas or anything. I get home and then it is time to lay down and go to bed. This has led to this feeling that I don’t really exist that I am starting to forget how to be me.
Well started typing this yesterday and it looks like I might be getting a car tomorrow. It isn’t a great car just a little high mileage Honda Civic. It is however a car and it doesn’t need to last long it just needs to hold up for a couple of months till I can afford to get a better car. Here is to hoping that this helps me start to feel more like me and start to feel like I am part of the world again.
Trying something new today. I am trying writing my posts out on paper during the day and typing them out in the evening. I feel like i have a lot of stuff to say but don’t really have the time to keep my WordPress open all day to keep adding to it. So if this gets posted then it worked if not then I guess no one will read this so it doesn’t matter.
So I was talking to a buddy about the benefits of letting your feelings and stress out. He is the only real world friend that I have given the URL for this blog to, well him and my sister. Even if no one ever reads these blog posts just getting the stuff out there is good for me.
Currently I am having that useless feeling again. See I was supposed to get a car with my tax refund but the government decided to take half of my tax refund to pay off the rest of my student loan. I mean the good thing is that the student loan is paid off. Here is where I failed. I should have saved the money I did get if I would have done that I would have the money thursday to get a car with what was left and then my paycheck tomorrow. I didn’t though I bought a new fitbit a new GPU for my computer and some other shit that I shouldn’t have gotten. So I did do wrong I know that I did but I need to not beat myself up over this because it is done. All I can do is do better when I get paid tomorrow and save money. The problem is that I am stuck still relying on people to lend me a car to get to work or bumming rides. If something comes up and I have to go somewhere I have to find a ride or someone to again lend me a car. I makes me feel like a failure. I mean I can’t do anything for my daughters because they are at their moms and I only get to see them on the weekends. I don’t like being in this situation but it is a situation I got myself into.
What I need to do is not feel like a failure. I am not a failure I do the best I can with what I got. Yes I screw up sometimes but at least I realize I screwed up. I don’t have much but I am trying to do good with it. Fingers crossed that it is enough.
I decided that on days when I don’t have a whole not to say I would talk about some music I am currently listening to. Sound like a good idea? Probably not. Lets start this.
Today started out with listening to Eisley’s latest release “I’m Only Dreaming.” I have enjoyed Eisley since the first time I heard Telescope Eyes back in what 2005. I would have to say this is probably my favorite album (my age is showing) that they have recorded. As always the vocals are soft yet they can cut through to the very core of you summoning up emotions that you didn’t were there. I mean it starts out with Always Wrong which I mean come on we all feel that way more times than not. I am not going to do full reviews because honestly my writing skills are not nearly good enough to do the albums I listen to just. Lets just say it is good.
After listening to I’m Only Dreaming about four times Spotify decided to jump to album radio. Maybe it felt that I needed a change. Thank you Spotify for telling me what I need. It is usually right. Well the first thing that came on was the song Stop Desire off of Tegan and Sara’s album Love You to Death. So I decided I need to listen to that. Currently I am on the second play through of that album and figure I will probably finish the day of work up with listening to this a couple more times.
I might try to write another blog post this evening if I can come up with anything worth talking about. That seems to be the problem with when my mood feels good that I don’t have as much to right about. Why is that?
So I have successfully made it three days with feeling for the most part happy. I have instated a 4 phase daily plan for trying to keep this happy feeling going.
Step 1: Upbeat music. I have noticed that for the last couple of weeks all the music I have been listening to has revolved our loss and unrequited love or just overall heartache. So I changed that up more driving guitar, drums and vocals or good fast dance beats. Seems to keep the blood pumping and the mood up.
Step 2: Walks on lunch. This was pretty much a no brainer get up on my hour lunch breaks at work (that is a lot of time) and go for a walk. Even just 30 minutes is enough to get the blood flowing and the endorphins going. Also makes me feel better in the evening.
Step 3: Curls Sessions. Just four sets of 12 reps with my 56 pound curl bar in the evening is enough to give me that nice ache that makes you just feel so good like your muscles are doing what they are supposed to be doing.
Step 4 (the most important step): Stop watching those same six episodes of Glee I have been watching every night for the last month. I now this sounds silly but it is true. Every night I would go home and I would watch the same six episodes of Glee every night. I love the show and I love the music but watching it as much as I did pulled me out of the real world and caused me to lose grip on what was real. I will still revisit the show and the music from it from time to time but my evenings have to be for other things.
Ok so today started off not good. For one I am sick. I haven’t been sick well pretty much the time I went full on vegan. I have been taking steps in the last year as soon as I start to feel a sniffle I up the vitamin c and kick it in the butt before it rolls in. Well I was caught off guard by this one. It probably has something to do with how messed up the weather has been. We have been very warm around here lately like 50’s and 60’s and then last week we had our first snow storm of the year (first snow storm doesn’t come till Feb and they say global warming isn’t a thing) that snow the temp dropped to below freezing for like maybe the second time this winter (again see global warming). I think that weather is the change is what finally got me sick. Well ok back on topic so I woke up not feeling well but honestly I had to come to work. I am actually writing this on my lunch break while I listen to Alessia Cara Radio on Spotify. Well anyway on to the real point of this.
Moms are supposed to be the women that will always pick you up when you are down and praise you when you are up. Why can’t my mother do that? I get this text message this morning about how I live too far away to take care of my daughters and that I pretty much make awful decisions about my life. Here is the back story. I had a great job at an Advertising company and I was really good at it and really loved it. Well the company was bought out and they didn’t have any need for designers so they let us go. That was Feb 26th of 2016 well I didn’t have a job for most of 2016 and eventually I landed an overnight job stocking shelves at a local grocery store. It sucked the work was hard and the pay was horrible. So as you would expect the bills started to stack up and I started to fall apart. My car broke down and I couldn’t afford to get it inspected so It had to go to a scrap yard. I haven’t been able to afford to get a new car yet. Well then we ended up getting kicked out of our apartment. My daughters went to live full-time at their moms and me and my girlfriend and her son went to go live with his grandparents who have a pretty big house in the country. It is 25 minutes away from my daughters. Not nearly the distance that my mom likes to make it sound like it is.
The real problem is that I don’t have a car. I don’t have any kind of real freedom. I have to rely on someone to take me to work and honestly she is about to have a baby so god knows how things are going to work when she pops. I think that most of my emotional problems lately stem from that feeling of not being able to support anyone about having to rely on other people for everything. Well my moms text to me just further got it into my head that I really am a failure that I am pretty worthless. She gets hung up on the distance of me to the girls but even if I was in my last apartment she still would have to pick them up from places and what not because I DON’T HAVE A CAR. You want to know the real kicker. Her and her husband have three cars. You think they could be like hey yeah we will sell you one for pretty cheap. I mean it isn’t like they are brand new cars or anything Ok well rant over I am going to go and try to feel like I am worth something.
You know when you get into one of the points in your life where you don’t seem to have any control over any aspect of your life? I am in one of those points in my life. I feel like I have lost all control I feel like there is nothing that I can actually put my hands around and hold on too. The job is weird and I feel like maybe I am not doing it very well. I got sick so had to call out of work on Friday. I have only been there three weeks. My eating has gotten out of my control again as well I just seem to eat and eat I feel myself falling back into those habits where I going to put all that weight I have lost back on. It is a terrifying place to be in. I don’t want to go back to that.
So starting today I am getting control of things. I am going back to writing every single thing I eat down. I also ordered a curl bar and some weights to start getting the tone back in my arms. I had started to really get my arms looking good when I was working overnight lifting boxes and what not. I want to get that back. I am hoping that if I get to moving around again and controlling what I eat I will get to the point where I feel comfortable in my own body again without it being 400 lbs.
Tonight I am going to work on mastering painting the nails on my right hand hopefully that will be another thing that will make me feel better. When I look at my left hand (I am right-handed) the hand looks beautiful the paint job is wonderful and my nails make me feel good. Then I look over to my right hand and it looks like a child has done it and I feel sad again.
I just realized that is a perfect description of my life in general. I look at one aspect of it and I feel wonderful and happy and it looks beautiful and then I look at the other side of it and I feel like a child or a lunatic is in charge. Focus Mark you need to focus.
There was a time when I didn’t really think friendship was important. I figured that they were just people you came across in passing and would eventually drift away from like comets passing by each other in the night. Because of that belief I have never made those important friendships that stick with you. I remember very little of my high school and college years because I didn’t make those kind of connections. Now as an adult I always have this feeling that something is missing and I feel that is it. That because I never built those relationships that I never had those shared experiences that I lost years of life that I should remember and enjoy but instead they are just nothing. I look at pictures that were taken in college and I can’t remember when they were taken. They don’t have a story to go along with them. Just knowledge that something must have happened there.
I know people who will speak fondly of their high school and college experiences and they always tart with one night me and my friends did this or we were here. I have nothing of that. It is always I was with my girlfriends friends or with my boyfriends friends. They are never I was with my friends kind of stories.
I sit here as I will be 38 this year and I realize that I have missed out on really living. I have no stories to look back on 20 years from now and go, those were some good times. It really is sad when you realized how much of your life you have wasted how much you missed out on and when you realize you will never have that chance to make up for that.
I am sorry to all those people who tried to be my friends but I never made that connection with you.