Tag Archives: anxiety

Who Are You?

As adults and sadly even as high school kids these days we have so much pressure placed on us.  Partly because of the over abundance of “news” on social media and also the fact that because of the internet everyone can make their views known to you as well as try to make you see things their way.

The best thing about the internet is everyone can state their opinion.  The worst thing about the internet is that everyone can state their opinion.  I don’t remember where I first heard that but it is 100% the truth.  The internet and social media also tell you what you are supposed to look like and who you are supposed to be.  What you should have accomplished and what you should accomplish.  I have days where I look at my life and go “Mark this is not at all where you were supposed to be at 37.”  I want to take that other me and grab him by the neck and say “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY LIFE?”  I still don’t know what I want to do with my life and you know what I am ok with that.  I also know that I am not the man who society or even myself expected me to be when I grew up but you know what slowly but surely I am becoming ok with that.

Who am I?

That is a good question and I am still not sure but let’s think about that.  I am Mark.  I am a father of 2 beautiful daughters that are the best things I have ever produced in this world even though the oldest being 13 is at that point in life where she feels she doesn’t need or want her parents around.  I know that I will be here when she needs me.  I have a decent job.  I am still new at it so I am not sure how secure the job is but you know what I can’t waste my time thinking about that.  I finally have a good car for the first time in my life.  I can finally make that trip to go see my dad who I haven’t seen in years because I just didn’t have a reliable vehicle.  I am also probably in the best shape I have been in over a decade.  Emotionally I am getting there.  I am starting to look at myself and go “Hey Mark you are a good dude.”

Who did I think I would be?

It doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t let it matter.  I am who I am and I am where I am.  I am ok with that.

Be ok with who you are and where you are.  Keep moving forward and if there are littles you can change them then change them.  Change them because you want to not because you feel that someone or something else thinks you need to.

Much Love,

M

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I Really Wanted To

I really wanted to start writing in this blog when good things were happening in my life but sadly over the last two weeks I have been in such a funk even the things that use to bring me so much joy have done nothing to lift the mood.  Normally I could find happiness in little things like watching a Twitch stream and getting lost in good conversation with certain gaming communities but lately I have just not felt anything but anxiety. No joy at the little things I use to love.  I turned my computer on and instantly turned it off because I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything.

Even the D&D games that I love meant nothing to me. I felt myself just not being able to get into character. I know this is the nerdiest shit in the world and I should be able to gauge my mood off of things like this but it is true.  I sit here and things have been going pretty well in my life but I can’t help but feel miserable because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In my life it always seems that like just when things are starting to look up everything crashes down around me and my life turns to shit again. It has been the story of my life so I find it hard to believe that it will happen again. I don’t know why I am bothering with this blog right now. My heart isn’t in it.

M

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