Tag Archives: body

Where Have I Been?

Where have I been?  That is a very good question. Honestly I am not really sure where I have been. I have hit another one of those brick walls. Those walls where I realize I am 38 years old and have accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. I also used to have dreams and passions and energy to do stuff. I don’t think I have those anymore.

So here is a question I have to the few people who read this.  Do you ever hit an age where you don’t have dreams or ambition. Where you don’t have anything you are passionate about?  That is what I am wondering. Have I reached that point?  Have I reached the age where I just stop being passionate about things  where I stop taking enjoyment from things in life.

I always hit this wall where nothing seems to really make me happy.  This time it came from job change.  Don’t get me wrong I have a much better job that pays a lot more money and better hours but with this new job came the inevitable weight gain that comes with going from a manual labor job to a sedentary computer job.  With that weight gain came depression and feeling like a failure.  I had lost 100 pounds but then after this job change I ended up putting back on 20 of those pounds.  There is nothing that will destroy me as much as seeing all that work go away.

I am trying to do this don’t eat any food after 7pm anymore which I have determined that most of my bad eating comes between 7pm and bedtime. I succeeded in doing that last night though it was very hard.  It seemed like after said time all I was able to think about was that I wanted something to eat.  I did however stay strong and didn’t cave in.  I also went on a half hour-long walk yesterday on my lunch break and I am going to try to do that again today.  I am hoping that these little changes will kick me in the right direction and help me get back to my normal self.  Part of that normal self is hopefully writing on this more often.

M

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Coffee Talk

So I am sitting here at my desk enjoying some coffee and figured I would sit here and spill out a stream of consciousness into the eye holes of everyone that reads this.  So last night I was sitting up in my room eating 8 flour tortillas.  I have no idea why I was eating them or why I couldn’t stop eating them.  I was wondering why I had lost control of that simple part of my life and I realized it was because I am weak.  It is never bad to admit that you are weak because we all have weakness.  The strongest thing you can do is to find out your weaknesses and then face them and accept them as fact.  Once you do that you wont be as burdened down by them.  So let me see if I can pinpoint some of my weaknesses.

One I can’t accept they body I was born into.  You are supposed to love the body you are in but it is hard when everything about it repulses you.  The body hair is a constant reminder that I will never be soft.  The beard that everyone else seems to think looks great on me is just an awful thing that covers up my lips (probably one of my best features).  Also my hands are small and delicate I love them but I hate that they stand in contrast with the rest of my body.  I paint my nails regularly to enhance how pretty they can look but all that does is remind me more.

Two I let others walk all over me.  I never make my own decision without making sure it is ok with everyone else.  All my life I have hated conflict that has let to me never standing up for myself.  I never fight for what I want. I always put what I want and need on the back burner to what others want and need.

Three sometimes I want to help people too much.  I am very prone to not paying my own bills to donate money to someone or something else. I once didn’t pay my rent so I could donate $300 to help someone build a new computer for streaming.  I am not smart when it comes to the heart and wanting to help others.

These are probably the top three things that cause me the most problems in my life on a day-to-day basis.  Take a few minutes to think about your own weaknesses if you blog right a blog about them and put the link in the comments.  If you don’t blog feel free to just list them in a comment.   Have a good day loves and smile because smiling uses less muscles than frown…. Corny but true.

 

Much Love

M

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