So I feel like I finally may be back on track. I had let myself go and every day I hated myself for it more and more. It is a vicious cycle. I eat because I feel bad and then I feel bad because I eat and then I eat some more.
I feel like it is just a matter of taking that first step. That being said yesterday I did a boxing workout. I figured it would be a nice fun thing to do and man my body is feeling it today and I am so glad I decided to do it. Now the key will be to do day two when it is time for it. That is tomorrow. I hope that I can have the willpower enough to do it. NO!!! I WILL HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO DO IT!!!! I NEED TO.
I know this is short but I wanted to just start something. I needed to get a post up to make myself accountable.
So after a few weeks of being controlled by my anxiety yesterday I decided to take control of something. I controlled what I ate. It has been a few weeks since I have been able to finish my food diary for the day and not be over the calorie limit (if I even bothered to track it). Don’t worry I don’t go overboard I actually use myfitnesspal.com to keep track of my food intake and calorie output using that combined with my FitBit are great tools to keep me eating but not eating too much and dieting without dieting to much. It is a fine line that I need to walk and it is an everyday struggle to not go to extremes in either direction.
Anyway the point of this is that having even that little bit of control over something has completely made the difference in how I woke up this morning. Under normal circumstances as of late I would wake up in the morning instantly feeling like a failure because I failed to even control the smallest thing in my life that I have control over. What and how much I eat. I woke up this morning and I was proud of myself. I did not bother to get on the scale because I have eaten so poorly for the last few days that I knew the number would not be good and there is no reason to discourage myself so early in the morning. The last thing I need is to look at the scale and see the number was up and suddenly feel awful about myself again.
I am going to cling to this just this little bit of control in a world that feels out of control. Thank you to everyone that reads this. Even just seeing that a couple of people have read this makes me realize that I am not alone in this world.
Love yourselves and each other.
Look A Picture Of Me Smiling And I Mean It!!!
You know when you get into one of the points in your life where you don’t seem to have any control over any aspect of your life? I am in one of those points in my life. I feel like I have lost all control I feel like there is nothing that I can actually put my hands around and hold on too. The job is weird and I feel like maybe I am not doing it very well. I got sick so had to call out of work on Friday. I have only been there three weeks. My eating has gotten out of my control again as well I just seem to eat and eat I feel myself falling back into those habits where I going to put all that weight I have lost back on. It is a terrifying place to be in. I don’t want to go back to that.
So starting today I am getting control of things. I am going back to writing every single thing I eat down. I also ordered a curl bar and some weights to start getting the tone back in my arms. I had started to really get my arms looking good when I was working overnight lifting boxes and what not. I want to get that back. I am hoping that if I get to moving around again and controlling what I eat I will get to the point where I feel comfortable in my own body again without it being 400 lbs.
Tonight I am going to work on mastering painting the nails on my right hand hopefully that will be another thing that will make me feel better. When I look at my left hand (I am right-handed) the hand looks beautiful the paint job is wonderful and my nails make me feel good. Then I look over to my right hand and it looks like a child has done it and I feel sad again.
I just realized that is a perfect description of my life in general. I look at one aspect of it and I feel wonderful and happy and it looks beautiful and then I look at the other side of it and I feel like a child or a lunatic is in charge. Focus Mark you need to focus.