So how many of you get that feeling that you don’t really exist in the world? I have been in that rut for awhile now. I mean I have had a couple of good days where I was happy for the most part but I don’t really feel like I exist. I know that there are several factors that are playing a big role in that lets list them below shall we.
- 1: No car. Now this is a major part of everything and probably the central driving force and the linch pin on which all the other factors stem from. I won’t go into this because I have covered it in several other posts.
- 2: Time. This has to do with the time I have in the day. See I wake up at 6:30am and head to work to be there by 8 if I am borrowing a car or 9 if I am catching a ride. If I am borrowing the car I leave work at 4 I leave and drive the 30 minutes home to pick up my girlfriend so she can go to class. I then drive 45 minutes to take her to class and then drive the 45 minutes home. So by the time I get home it is a little after 6 usually. When I get home I make the little guy some dinner and then at 7 it is time to head upstairs he usually chills and plays on his tablet while I lay on the bed and watch some TV. At 8pm he goes in to bed I then start to get myself stuff ready for the morning. At 9:15 I leave to go pick my girlfriend up from class so another 45 minute drive out and then again back. So finally get home about 10:45 or 11 depending on if I have to stop at the store or for gas or anything. I get home and then it is time to lay down and go to bed. This has led to this feeling that I don’t really exist that I am starting to forget how to be me.
Well started typing this yesterday and it looks like I might be getting a car tomorrow. It isn’t a great car just a little high mileage Honda Civic. It is however a car and it doesn’t need to last long it just needs to hold up for a couple of months till I can afford to get a better car. Here is to hoping that this helps me start to feel more like me and start to feel like I am part of the world again.
You know when you get into one of the points in your life where you don’t seem to have any control over any aspect of your life? I am in one of those points in my life. I feel like I have lost all control I feel like there is nothing that I can actually put my hands around and hold on too. The job is weird and I feel like maybe I am not doing it very well. I got sick so had to call out of work on Friday. I have only been there three weeks. My eating has gotten out of my control again as well I just seem to eat and eat I feel myself falling back into those habits where I going to put all that weight I have lost back on. It is a terrifying place to be in. I don’t want to go back to that.
So starting today I am getting control of things. I am going back to writing every single thing I eat down. I also ordered a curl bar and some weights to start getting the tone back in my arms. I had started to really get my arms looking good when I was working overnight lifting boxes and what not. I want to get that back. I am hoping that if I get to moving around again and controlling what I eat I will get to the point where I feel comfortable in my own body again without it being 400 lbs.
Tonight I am going to work on mastering painting the nails on my right hand hopefully that will be another thing that will make me feel better. When I look at my left hand (I am right-handed) the hand looks beautiful the paint job is wonderful and my nails make me feel good. Then I look over to my right hand and it looks like a child has done it and I feel sad again.
I just realized that is a perfect description of my life in general. I look at one aspect of it and I feel wonderful and happy and it looks beautiful and then I look at the other side of it and I feel like a child or a lunatic is in charge. Focus Mark you need to focus.
I hit a point today where I am just sick of being sad. I am sick of having to put on that stupid happy face. I am tired of laughing at jokes that I don’t think are funny. I hate working to lift other people’s moods when my own mood is in the garbage. Also I am not as good at it anymore.
There was a time when I could easily hide the sadness and loneliness that I felt inside. Even when I was cutter I could easily hide the wounds and scars, both the physical ones on my arms and the emotional ones in my eyes. Now it isn’t as easy. I mean I don’t cut myself anymore and I haven’t done that in almost a decade so hiding those are not the issue. It is the wounds in my eyes the parts of my soul that feel broken that are harder to hide. People have taken to telling me that I don’t look like my normal self.
The confusing part is that I am in a better place in my life than I have been in a very long time. I finally landed a job and I also have lost over 100lbs and am in better shape than I have been in about 20 years yet this sadness and self hate just lingers there.
Also for as much as I hate being sad I bring it on myself. When I start to feel it creeping in instead of doing something to distract me from sadness I do things to make it worse. I listen to songs of pain and loss and watch romantic films that drag me further into my sadness. I don’t know why I do this. Is it just that I have replaced the physical self-harm with emotional? Will I ever be able to break this cycle? I don’t know if that will ever be the case. I can only hope that someday I will be able to smile and have the smile on the outside match the feeling on the inside.
It starts in my feet, a rapid tapping of my toes. It gradually spreads to a bouncing of my knees. My legs bouncing up and down on the balls of my feet like a drummer with double bass drums. It then spreads to my brain thoughts and emotions running through it like a runaway train that I have lost complete control Soon it starts to spread to my hands a little tremor at first as I try to type this the tremor is just barely there. I type this frantically trying to keep my hands moving and the emotions at bay. I know that at any second I could end up trying or screaming. Today is the last day of my first week at the new job. I don’t want them to see me like this.
My life is going really good right now I got a new job and a stable place to live I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t feel like I have to try this hard to keep a hold of reality. I have a hard time figuring out what is important. Everything just blends together even this blog post is slowly devolving into something that doesn’t make sense.
How do you relate to real people?
How do you empathize with the pain of others?
Why is it that the only people who matter to me are characters from books, movies and TV shows?
Why is it that when they hurt I am sad and I cry and when they love I am happy for them and love with them. Yet in the real world someone cries and I feel nothing?
What is wrong with me?