Trying something new today. I am trying writing my posts out on paper during the day and typing them out in the evening. I feel like i have a lot of stuff to say but don’t really have the time to keep my WordPress open all day to keep adding to it. So if this gets posted then it worked if not then I guess no one will read this so it doesn’t matter.
So I was talking to a buddy about the benefits of letting your feelings and stress out. He is the only real world friend that I have given the URL for this blog to, well him and my sister. Even if no one ever reads these blog posts just getting the stuff out there is good for me.
Currently I am having that useless feeling again. See I was supposed to get a car with my tax refund but the government decided to take half of my tax refund to pay off the rest of my student loan. I mean the good thing is that the student loan is paid off. Here is where I failed. I should have saved the money I did get if I would have done that I would have the money thursday to get a car with what was left and then my paycheck tomorrow. I didn’t though I bought a new fitbit a new GPU for my computer and some other shit that I shouldn’t have gotten. So I did do wrong I know that I did but I need to not beat myself up over this because it is done. All I can do is do better when I get paid tomorrow and save money. The problem is that I am stuck still relying on people to lend me a car to get to work or bumming rides. If something comes up and I have to go somewhere I have to find a ride or someone to again lend me a car. I makes me feel like a failure. I mean I can’t do anything for my daughters because they are at their moms and I only get to see them on the weekends. I don’t like being in this situation but it is a situation I got myself into.
What I need to do is not feel like a failure. I am not a failure I do the best I can with what I got. Yes I screw up sometimes but at least I realize I screwed up. I don’t have much but I am trying to do good with it. Fingers crossed that it is enough.
Ok so today started off not good. For one I am sick. I haven’t been sick well pretty much the time I went full on vegan. I have been taking steps in the last year as soon as I start to feel a sniffle I up the vitamin c and kick it in the butt before it rolls in. Well I was caught off guard by this one. It probably has something to do with how messed up the weather has been. We have been very warm around here lately like 50’s and 60’s and then last week we had our first snow storm of the year (first snow storm doesn’t come till Feb and they say global warming isn’t a thing) that snow the temp dropped to below freezing for like maybe the second time this winter (again see global warming). I think that weather is the change is what finally got me sick. Well ok back on topic so I woke up not feeling well but honestly I had to come to work. I am actually writing this on my lunch break while I listen to Alessia Cara Radio on Spotify. Well anyway on to the real point of this.
Moms are supposed to be the women that will always pick you up when you are down and praise you when you are up. Why can’t my mother do that? I get this text message this morning about how I live too far away to take care of my daughters and that I pretty much make awful decisions about my life. Here is the back story. I had a great job at an Advertising company and I was really good at it and really loved it. Well the company was bought out and they didn’t have any need for designers so they let us go. That was Feb 26th of 2016 well I didn’t have a job for most of 2016 and eventually I landed an overnight job stocking shelves at a local grocery store. It sucked the work was hard and the pay was horrible. So as you would expect the bills started to stack up and I started to fall apart. My car broke down and I couldn’t afford to get it inspected so It had to go to a scrap yard. I haven’t been able to afford to get a new car yet. Well then we ended up getting kicked out of our apartment. My daughters went to live full-time at their moms and me and my girlfriend and her son went to go live with his grandparents who have a pretty big house in the country. It is 25 minutes away from my daughters. Not nearly the distance that my mom likes to make it sound like it is.
The real problem is that I don’t have a car. I don’t have any kind of real freedom. I have to rely on someone to take me to work and honestly she is about to have a baby so god knows how things are going to work when she pops. I think that most of my emotional problems lately stem from that feeling of not being able to support anyone about having to rely on other people for everything. Well my moms text to me just further got it into my head that I really am a failure that I am pretty worthless. She gets hung up on the distance of me to the girls but even if I was in my last apartment she still would have to pick them up from places and what not because I DON’T HAVE A CAR. You want to know the real kicker. Her and her husband have three cars. You think they could be like hey yeah we will sell you one for pretty cheap. I mean it isn’t like they are brand new cars or anything Ok well rant over I am going to go and try to feel like I am worth something.