So how many of you get that feeling that you don’t really exist in the world? I have been in that rut for awhile now. I mean I have had a couple of good days where I was happy for the most part but I don’t really feel like I exist. I know that there are several factors that are playing a big role in that lets list them below shall we.
- 1: No car. Now this is a major part of everything and probably the central driving force and the linch pin on which all the other factors stem from. I won’t go into this because I have covered it in several other posts.
- 2: Time. This has to do with the time I have in the day. See I wake up at 6:30am and head to work to be there by 8 if I am borrowing a car or 9 if I am catching a ride. If I am borrowing the car I leave work at 4 I leave and drive the 30 minutes home to pick up my girlfriend so she can go to class. I then drive 45 minutes to take her to class and then drive the 45 minutes home. So by the time I get home it is a little after 6 usually. When I get home I make the little guy some dinner and then at 7 it is time to head upstairs he usually chills and plays on his tablet while I lay on the bed and watch some TV. At 8pm he goes in to bed I then start to get myself stuff ready for the morning. At 9:15 I leave to go pick my girlfriend up from class so another 45 minute drive out and then again back. So finally get home about 10:45 or 11 depending on if I have to stop at the store or for gas or anything. I get home and then it is time to lay down and go to bed. This has led to this feeling that I don’t really exist that I am starting to forget how to be me.
Well started typing this yesterday and it looks like I might be getting a car tomorrow. It isn’t a great car just a little high mileage Honda Civic. It is however a car and it doesn’t need to last long it just needs to hold up for a couple of months till I can afford to get a better car. Here is to hoping that this helps me start to feel more like me and start to feel like I am part of the world again.
So I have successfully made it three days with feeling for the most part happy. I have instated a 4 phase daily plan for trying to keep this happy feeling going.
Step 1: Upbeat music. I have noticed that for the last couple of weeks all the music I have been listening to has revolved our loss and unrequited love or just overall heartache. So I changed that up more driving guitar, drums and vocals or good fast dance beats. Seems to keep the blood pumping and the mood up.
Step 2: Walks on lunch. This was pretty much a no brainer get up on my hour lunch breaks at work (that is a lot of time) and go for a walk. Even just 30 minutes is enough to get the blood flowing and the endorphins going. Also makes me feel better in the evening.
Step 3: Curls Sessions. Just four sets of 12 reps with my 56 pound curl bar in the evening is enough to give me that nice ache that makes you just feel so good like your muscles are doing what they are supposed to be doing.
Step 4 (the most important step): Stop watching those same six episodes of Glee I have been watching every night for the last month. I now this sounds silly but it is true. Every night I would go home and I would watch the same six episodes of Glee every night. I love the show and I love the music but watching it as much as I did pulled me out of the real world and caused me to lose grip on what was real. I will still revisit the show and the music from it from time to time but my evenings have to be for other things.
There was a time when I didn’t really think friendship was important. I figured that they were just people you came across in passing and would eventually drift away from like comets passing by each other in the night. Because of that belief I have never made those important friendships that stick with you. I remember very little of my high school and college years because I didn’t make those kind of connections. Now as an adult I always have this feeling that something is missing and I feel that is it. That because I never built those relationships that I never had those shared experiences that I lost years of life that I should remember and enjoy but instead they are just nothing. I look at pictures that were taken in college and I can’t remember when they were taken. They don’t have a story to go along with them. Just knowledge that something must have happened there.
I know people who will speak fondly of their high school and college experiences and they always tart with one night me and my friends did this or we were here. I have nothing of that. It is always I was with my girlfriends friends or with my boyfriends friends. They are never I was with my friends kind of stories.
I sit here as I will be 38 this year and I realize that I have missed out on really living. I have no stories to look back on 20 years from now and go, those were some good times. It really is sad when you realized how much of your life you have wasted how much you missed out on and when you realize you will never have that chance to make up for that.
I am sorry to all those people who tried to be my friends but I never made that connection with you.
I hit a point today where I am just sick of being sad. I am sick of having to put on that stupid happy face. I am tired of laughing at jokes that I don’t think are funny. I hate working to lift other people’s moods when my own mood is in the garbage. Also I am not as good at it anymore.
There was a time when I could easily hide the sadness and loneliness that I felt inside. Even when I was cutter I could easily hide the wounds and scars, both the physical ones on my arms and the emotional ones in my eyes. Now it isn’t as easy. I mean I don’t cut myself anymore and I haven’t done that in almost a decade so hiding those are not the issue. It is the wounds in my eyes the parts of my soul that feel broken that are harder to hide. People have taken to telling me that I don’t look like my normal self.
The confusing part is that I am in a better place in my life than I have been in a very long time. I finally landed a job and I also have lost over 100lbs and am in better shape than I have been in about 20 years yet this sadness and self hate just lingers there.
Also for as much as I hate being sad I bring it on myself. When I start to feel it creeping in instead of doing something to distract me from sadness I do things to make it worse. I listen to songs of pain and loss and watch romantic films that drag me further into my sadness. I don’t know why I do this. Is it just that I have replaced the physical self-harm with emotional? Will I ever be able to break this cycle? I don’t know if that will ever be the case. I can only hope that someday I will be able to smile and have the smile on the outside match the feeling on the inside.