So after a few weeks of being controlled by my anxiety yesterday I decided to take control of something. I controlled what I ate. It has been a few weeks since I have been able to finish my food diary for the day and not be over the calorie limit (if I even bothered to track it). Don’t worry I don’t go overboard I actually use myfitnesspal.com to keep track of my food intake and calorie output using that combined with my FitBit are great tools to keep me eating but not eating too much and dieting without dieting to much. It is a fine line that I need to walk and it is an everyday struggle to not go to extremes in either direction.
Anyway the point of this is that having even that little bit of control over something has completely made the difference in how I woke up this morning. Under normal circumstances as of late I would wake up in the morning instantly feeling like a failure because I failed to even control the smallest thing in my life that I have control over. What and how much I eat. I woke up this morning and I was proud of myself. I did not bother to get on the scale because I have eaten so poorly for the last few days that I knew the number would not be good and there is no reason to discourage myself so early in the morning. The last thing I need is to look at the scale and see the number was up and suddenly feel awful about myself again.
I am going to cling to this just this little bit of control in a world that feels out of control. Thank you to everyone that reads this. Even just seeing that a couple of people have read this makes me realize that I am not alone in this world.
Love yourselves and each other.
Look A Picture Of Me Smiling And I Mean It!!!
I really wanted to start writing in this blog when good things were happening in my life but sadly over the last two weeks I have been in such a funk even the things that use to bring me so much joy have done nothing to lift the mood. Normally I could find happiness in little things like watching a Twitch stream and getting lost in good conversation with certain gaming communities but lately I have just not felt anything but anxiety. No joy at the little things I use to love. I turned my computer on and instantly turned it off because I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything.
Even the D&D games that I love meant nothing to me. I felt myself just not being able to get into character. I know this is the nerdiest shit in the world and I should be able to gauge my mood off of things like this but it is true. I sit here and things have been going pretty well in my life but I can’t help but feel miserable because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
In my life it always seems that like just when things are starting to look up everything crashes down around me and my life turns to shit again. It has been the story of my life so I find it hard to believe that it will happen again. I don’t know why I am bothering with this blog right now. My heart isn’t in it.
So I am sitting here at my desk enjoying some coffee and figured I would sit here and spill out a stream of consciousness into the eye holes of everyone that reads this. So last night I was sitting up in my room eating 8 flour tortillas. I have no idea why I was eating them or why I couldn’t stop eating them. I was wondering why I had lost control of that simple part of my life and I realized it was because I am weak. It is never bad to admit that you are weak because we all have weakness. The strongest thing you can do is to find out your weaknesses and then face them and accept them as fact. Once you do that you wont be as burdened down by them. So let me see if I can pinpoint some of my weaknesses.
One I can’t accept they body I was born into. You are supposed to love the body you are in but it is hard when everything about it repulses you. The body hair is a constant reminder that I will never be soft. The beard that everyone else seems to think looks great on me is just an awful thing that covers up my lips (probably one of my best features). Also my hands are small and delicate I love them but I hate that they stand in contrast with the rest of my body. I paint my nails regularly to enhance how pretty they can look but all that does is remind me more.
Two I let others walk all over me. I never make my own decision without making sure it is ok with everyone else. All my life I have hated conflict that has let to me never standing up for myself. I never fight for what I want. I always put what I want and need on the back burner to what others want and need.
Three sometimes I want to help people too much. I am very prone to not paying my own bills to donate money to someone or something else. I once didn’t pay my rent so I could donate $300 to help someone build a new computer for streaming. I am not smart when it comes to the heart and wanting to help others.
These are probably the top three things that cause me the most problems in my life on a day-to-day basis. Take a few minutes to think about your own weaknesses if you blog right a blog about them and put the link in the comments. If you don’t blog feel free to just list them in a comment. Have a good day loves and smile because smiling uses less muscles than frown…. Corny but true.
Another weekend has come and gone and I am not really sure what happened with it. Friday was a Friday I mean I worked so that was a thing and then I played some games with some friends and then I went to bed nothing special nothing even worth writing about here. I ate to much but that was mostly because I went out for lunch with some co-workers….. Ugh I am going to have to try this later I keep typing a sentence and hating the way it looks and then I just delete the line and rinse repeat and continue……
Deciding to keep publish this anyway so you can see all the jumble pouring out my head space.
I was writing my about me page and I realized that there was something that I have never really brought up in my blog and didn’t feel like it was something that needed to be on the About Me page. I deserved it’s on post.
Let’s talk about sexuality. Now in America right now things are kind of crazy. I am not a fan of political talk so I am going to steer clear of that mine field. I am however going to talk about my own sexuality. Now when it comes to that it is very complicated. I am I guess what trendy new age people call a pansexual my sexual attraction is connected to my emotion attachment to a person more than their gender. If I am in love with a man I am gay if I am in love with a woman I am straight. I have loved both men and women in my life and I have been equally sexually attracted to them.
I find men and women both beautiful the human body is amazing and I find parts of both gender to be pleasing to the eye. I don’t consider myself one way or the other I am just love. I mean yes there is a part of me that feels like I was born in the wrong body sometimes but for the most part I am happy with being a man. I guess. Wait that doesn’t have anything to do with this.
OK. Back on track. When I have always been “soft” I have always been very in touch with my emotions when I love I love completely and recklessly and when my heart is broken it is utterly shattered. It has been many times you would think I would be use to it by now but every new heartbreak feels just like the first. My heart is broken currently by how I see all the progress that we have made as a nation when it comes to marriage equality and acceptance of sexual orientation seeming to be sitting on the cusp of being completely undone. I worry for the future of my friends and family. People that just want to marry the person they love. Just want to be able to make sure that love is respected and safe. Ok I though I had a lot of stuff to say on this but I guess I don’t. Man I am awful at this blogging thing maybe I will get better as time goes on.