Where have I been? That is a very good question. Honestly I am not really sure where I have been. I have hit another one of those brick walls. Those walls where I realize I am 38 years old and have accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. I also used to have dreams and passions and energy to do stuff. I don’t think I have those anymore.
So here is a question I have to the few people who read this. Do you ever hit an age where you don’t have dreams or ambition. Where you don’t have anything you are passionate about? That is what I am wondering. Have I reached that point? Have I reached the age where I just stop being passionate about things where I stop taking enjoyment from things in life.
I always hit this wall where nothing seems to really make me happy. This time it came from job change. Don’t get me wrong I have a much better job that pays a lot more money and better hours but with this new job came the inevitable weight gain that comes with going from a manual labor job to a sedentary computer job. With that weight gain came depression and feeling like a failure. I had lost 100 pounds but then after this job change I ended up putting back on 20 of those pounds. There is nothing that will destroy me as much as seeing all that work go away.
I am trying to do this don’t eat any food after 7pm anymore which I have determined that most of my bad eating comes between 7pm and bedtime. I succeeded in doing that last night though it was very hard. It seemed like after said time all I was able to think about was that I wanted something to eat. I did however stay strong and didn’t cave in. I also went on a half hour-long walk yesterday on my lunch break and I am going to try to do that again today. I am hoping that these little changes will kick me in the right direction and help me get back to my normal self. Part of that normal self is hopefully writing on this more often.
So I feel like I finally may be back on track. I had let myself go and every day I hated myself for it more and more. It is a vicious cycle. I eat because I feel bad and then I feel bad because I eat and then I eat some more.
I feel like it is just a matter of taking that first step. That being said yesterday I did a boxing workout. I figured it would be a nice fun thing to do and man my body is feeling it today and I am so glad I decided to do it. Now the key will be to do day two when it is time for it. That is tomorrow. I hope that I can have the willpower enough to do it. NO!!! I WILL HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO DO IT!!!! I NEED TO.
I know this is short but I wanted to just start something. I needed to get a post up to make myself accountable.
So after a few weeks of being controlled by my anxiety yesterday I decided to take control of something. I controlled what I ate. It has been a few weeks since I have been able to finish my food diary for the day and not be over the calorie limit (if I even bothered to track it). Don’t worry I don’t go overboard I actually use myfitnesspal.com to keep track of my food intake and calorie output using that combined with my FitBit are great tools to keep me eating but not eating too much and dieting without dieting to much. It is a fine line that I need to walk and it is an everyday struggle to not go to extremes in either direction.
Anyway the point of this is that having even that little bit of control over something has completely made the difference in how I woke up this morning. Under normal circumstances as of late I would wake up in the morning instantly feeling like a failure because I failed to even control the smallest thing in my life that I have control over. What and how much I eat. I woke up this morning and I was proud of myself. I did not bother to get on the scale because I have eaten so poorly for the last few days that I knew the number would not be good and there is no reason to discourage myself so early in the morning. The last thing I need is to look at the scale and see the number was up and suddenly feel awful about myself again.
I am going to cling to this just this little bit of control in a world that feels out of control. Thank you to everyone that reads this. Even just seeing that a couple of people have read this makes me realize that I am not alone in this world.
Love yourselves and each other.
Look A Picture Of Me Smiling And I Mean It!!!
I really wanted to start writing in this blog when good things were happening in my life but sadly over the last two weeks I have been in such a funk even the things that use to bring me so much joy have done nothing to lift the mood. Normally I could find happiness in little things like watching a Twitch stream and getting lost in good conversation with certain gaming communities but lately I have just not felt anything but anxiety. No joy at the little things I use to love. I turned my computer on and instantly turned it off because I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything.
Even the D&D games that I love meant nothing to me. I felt myself just not being able to get into character. I know this is the nerdiest shit in the world and I should be able to gauge my mood off of things like this but it is true. I sit here and things have been going pretty well in my life but I can’t help but feel miserable because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
In my life it always seems that like just when things are starting to look up everything crashes down around me and my life turns to shit again. It has been the story of my life so I find it hard to believe that it will happen again. I don’t know why I am bothering with this blog right now. My heart isn’t in it.
So I am sitting here at my desk enjoying some coffee and figured I would sit here and spill out a stream of consciousness into the eye holes of everyone that reads this. So last night I was sitting up in my room eating 8 flour tortillas. I have no idea why I was eating them or why I couldn’t stop eating them. I was wondering why I had lost control of that simple part of my life and I realized it was because I am weak. It is never bad to admit that you are weak because we all have weakness. The strongest thing you can do is to find out your weaknesses and then face them and accept them as fact. Once you do that you wont be as burdened down by them. So let me see if I can pinpoint some of my weaknesses.
One I can’t accept they body I was born into. You are supposed to love the body you are in but it is hard when everything about it repulses you. The body hair is a constant reminder that I will never be soft. The beard that everyone else seems to think looks great on me is just an awful thing that covers up my lips (probably one of my best features). Also my hands are small and delicate I love them but I hate that they stand in contrast with the rest of my body. I paint my nails regularly to enhance how pretty they can look but all that does is remind me more.
Two I let others walk all over me. I never make my own decision without making sure it is ok with everyone else. All my life I have hated conflict that has let to me never standing up for myself. I never fight for what I want. I always put what I want and need on the back burner to what others want and need.
Three sometimes I want to help people too much. I am very prone to not paying my own bills to donate money to someone or something else. I once didn’t pay my rent so I could donate $300 to help someone build a new computer for streaming. I am not smart when it comes to the heart and wanting to help others.
These are probably the top three things that cause me the most problems in my life on a day-to-day basis. Take a few minutes to think about your own weaknesses if you blog right a blog about them and put the link in the comments. If you don’t blog feel free to just list them in a comment. Have a good day loves and smile because smiling uses less muscles than frown…. Corny but true.